A son can bond naturally with either parent. But depending on the culture in Muslim societies there are not many mother-of-pearl bonding activities as there are with the father.
The same can be said for a father-daughter relationship; because of the restrictions that Muslim mentality places on pubescent girls, any natural bonding raises barriers between a father and daughter. Of course, the love isn't lessened but considering most male Muslims are brought up on a misogynistic diet of patriarchy, regressive practices and outdated notions of womanhood, it shouldn't be difficult to conclude that the father-daughter relationship in most cases doesn't live up to its full potential.
I recall my mother talking about how her own father had over-ridden her dreams, her wishes and her desires by arranging for a marriage with my father. There is a customary practice when the father asks the daughter if she is happy with the match; it is not a choice really since the culture of honor, the "lehaaz" tehzeeb and other social mores do not let the daughter express her desire. Rarely is it encouraged when she confides in a brother or sister or mother and the wish is put forward to the father. In Mama's case, she was bale to confide to her own daughter when everything was falling apart and I demanded she tell me why there was so much resentment in the marriage - 20 years too late.
The alliance arranged was a watered-down version of the ancient tribal societies trade craft when cattle and other stuff used to be exchanged to ensure debts are paid and property is insured. Mama lover her father (Abbaji) till his end, never questioning his decision, even after she walked out of her marriage, with two daughters and the clothes on their backs, school textbooks in tow. I recall seeing him break down and ask for her forgiveness for having overridden my grandmother's (Ammaji) misgivings of a match with he Butt family, as month after month passed into years and a decade with no resolution of the marital conflict.
She dismissed his sorrow with a palm banging the head as 'kismet' (destiny) and absolved here entire family of the guilt they felt at having "arranged" her kismet. Witnessing this over the years made me etch micro-resolutions of how to and how not to bring up a daughter in a Muslim culture on my mind and being. Life/nature gave me a son, which halved my misgivings and problems of bringing up a child in a regressive, conflict-ridden, backward region, with a superstitious society and culture.
As Life expands to my son growing out of his teens into his twenties, I am musing over the kind of activities that I am allowed to do with him, and keeping his laundry washed and the home spice and span (all traditional nurturing roles). It must definitely help him to have a tomboy is mother who can put up a shelf with a drill machine, paint walls and repair electrical appliances, generally doing much of the housework. A metropolitan city provides the space, culture, anonymity and safety of going to the cinemas, restaurants, walk on the roads but I doubt there are many mothers in my family who are able to do this.
I have been privileged to teach him how to cycle alongwith Arshid, throw a few balls, and wrestle in a soccer-tussle, in the process teaching his father to fly a kite also. These days I am hell bent on urging him to climb a tree, and make provisions for him to learn how to make a campfire, whittle a stick, tie sailor's knots and all the Scouts traditional outdoor activities every teenager should do.
The Facebook generation is already restricted in its outdoor life but it is double the limitation when one has been brought up in a Muslim society and the son starts putting up rules for situations where he can't be embarrassed in front of his friends. I am privileged not to have been subjected to such rules ever, but I know there are Muslim mothers who feel tied by the norms and mores of their respective regions especially the Kashmiri culture of my home state.
If one were to stretch one's logic, then maybe that could be the factors that the traditional roles of the mothers are not helping them stop the boys/young men from joining armed groups in suicidal missions upholding a theocratic ideology. The fathers have more of a role to play as the cases of Burman Wani, Mandan, the University scholar and now Bilal, the latest recruit shows. Even though, the fathers of the latter two appealed on social media to give up arms, I can't help wondering if the mothers had been educated, scientifically-inclined or working, the sons recruiting themselves into terror groups would have been largely lessened.
As an aside, assuming all three mothers were educated and working, it does not necessarily mean they would have influenced their sons to not stray towards the ideological and identity politics path. Only a scientifically inclined upbringing, culture, education and work environment can make it possible, with least interference from the religious beliefs of the fathers.
So coming back to the activities that can bond mothers and sons, the subcontinent has to go a long way in that. I wish to see a time in life when subcontinental mothers won't just worry and fret over a son to get married and " settle" down so that a "maid" of a daughter-in-law is brought into the house in a social contract of marriage with the addition of dowry not dowager. And fathers will give daughters the choice to marry or not, to life partners whom they have chosen and not the family.
It is a challenge but it is a worthy challenge starting from home.
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